And now, a collection of job-hunting haiku

Penned over the last 13 agonizing months

I’ve previously posted some of these haiku on LinkedIn, but they’ve never been collected in a single post — and I’m mixing in some new ones, because this is a special post just for paid subscribers. Yes, both of you! My thanks to you for subscribing <3

Please enjoy this ultra-exclusive poetry reading brought to you by 13 months of job-hunting in the games industry. Well, technically, six months of searching, seven weeks of working before the project got cancelled and I was laid off again, and six more months of searching. And counting. *distant soblaughing*

🌸🌸🌸

unfortunately
another candidate more
closely fits the role

~

thanks for applying
a human will be in touch
(if robots allow)

~

this role has been closed
because our studio was
acquired and closed

~

thanks for using our
applicant trashing system
please do not reply

~

we cannot provide
feedback to candidates, you
spurious prune-tart

~

resume loaded
now enter it in this form
manually, hah

~

this job reposting
has 600 applicants
and is def totes real

~

prove to this robot
that you are not a robot:
fire hydrants! choose!

~

“I know I reached out
first, but the role has been filled,
whoops!” — some recruiter

~

update? who’s it from?
“noreply at job dotcom”?
god f*cking damn it

~

open to remote?
not even remotely, HA!
(see what we did there?)

~

“competitive pay”
means lowest candidate ask—
happy hunger games!

~

hey, new job posted
two minutes ago! I should
apply! …annnnnd it’s gone

~

now, I know you were
hoping for a paycheck, buuuut
we have foosball! yay!

~

perfect CV? TRASHED.
“arbitrary keywords are
my kink.” —ATS

~

this unpaid spec test
takes two hours — or ten, if
you WANT want the job

~

“please apply again!”
…later, applying again…
“nah, we were jk”

~

hi, happy first day!
here’s your desk annnnd we’re shut down
I’ll take your key fob

~

“the other prospect
has a dog we want to see
on zoom calls, sorry”

~

pro networking tip:
headlines should be clear and short,
like: “AHHHHHHHH HIRE ME”

~

linkedin dude: “advice:
don’t trust anyone’s advice
on linkedin, trust me”

~

*accepts connection*
“HI I AM SELL COURSE GET JOBS—“
*removes connection*

~

post comments be like:
“have you tried sacrificing
a goat? no? why not?”

~

no one: ...ellipses…
linkedinfluencer: “👀 here’s my
secret: (shhh 🤫🤫) coffee! ☕☕☕”

~

interviewer late?
good! more time to scream into
the roiling abyss

~

“celebrating a
new role! the one that ghosted
you after six calls!”

~

…INITIATING
“CAREFUL CONSIDERATION”…
FIVE… FOUR… THREE… TWO… NO

~

easyapply™: send
resume by carrier
dove; await our sign

~

entry level role
seeking senior candidate
to underpay lots

~

no shipped AAA?
you peasant swine! how dare you
apply for this role?!

~

we read every app—
hahaha, sorry, can’t say
that with a straight face

~

we won’t pay, but you’re
open to relocation
to get laid off, right?

~

seeking a rockstar
unicorn capybara
who will work for free!

~

do you have six years
of experience in this
tool that’s two years old?

🌸🌸🌸

Thank you for attending my poetry reading 🫰😎